A journey to a healthier me!

This my umpteenth time trying to lose weight but I feel it’s different  this time because I finally hit the threshold of 300lbs. That is morbidly obese for someone at my height — 5’7 — and I honestly can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror any more. None of my clothes fit and if i’m honest with myself i’ve practically become invisible to the opposite sex since i’ve put on weight. And I also don’t just wanna lose weight, I want to be the type of person that can run a mile in under 10 minutes and eats organically. I want to be healthy, both mentally and physically. Someone who isn’t addicted to sugar and carbs. Taking one step at a time towards my new lifestyle.

I’m keeping a weight loss diary on youtube, so check it out if you’d like to keep up with my journey. I’ll keep all the way real with both my ups and downs.

Dating While Fat Part 2: Bringing Out The Fetishists

One thing that generally comes about when you’re not considered a typical standard beauty is that the likelihood of attracting someone who’s fetish you fulfill becomes very high.  And if you’re unaware by what Imean by standard beauty — don’t play that game. You know damn well what I mean. It’s a patriarchal society, so take a look at their pretty bitch billboards like Maxim and FHM if you still want to act like you don’t know what I mean.

blackwoman

This. I’m talking about this in case you still want to be obtuse.

As a tall big black girl I can attract either those who love them some chocolate, those that would love to be squashed by a large and lovely lady, and those precious few who want to be dominated by both. While I might be seen as an object of desire for them, i’m never seen as a delicate, dainty, and feminine woman worthy of an innocent and pure pursuit. And dammit I want that!

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Look at them being all normal and cute and shit. Can I get that please?!

The urge to be treated as someone delicate and not a typical strong black woman that can handle anything has been building for some time now. But the latest incident that pushed it over the edge was a man who i’ve been talking to who revealed to me that he often reenacted rape fantasies with his ex-girlfriend and wanted to do so with me if we ever got intimate — him being the rapee. This man is 6’1 and looks about 250lbs and wants me to overpower and take advantage of him for his fantasy. For once i’d like to be the girl where a man didn’t feel that was appropriate to share that kind of information to.

Please God, if you ever do send me a man, let him be the type to think doing it doggy style is kinky and wishes that i’d go down on him for our anniversaires because I can’t anymore.

Dating While Fat – Part 1: Oh Sweet Rejection Strengthen Me

Well not real world dating but the online kind that gives me enough balls to randomly message guys. I would never cold catcall a man in public without some initial flirting so props to those with enough confidence to do so — in a respectful manner of course.

Generally speaking I’m rejected online by way of the avoidance method, where no reply is considered a reply. And by generally I mean all the time. If a guy’s not interested he’s not replying. But last night I decided to ask all potential hotties, “What’s your stance on big girls?”

Usually people will leave enough coded messages to let you know they’re not into the pleasantly plump, like:

“I like those who look like they take care of themselves and their appearance.”

“I lead an active lifestyle and need someone who can keep up with me.”

“Hoping to meet someone who enjoys fitness.”

Although the size of person isn’t always the best indicator or their health or activity level — like me for instance. I’m 5’7 and 285lbs; I work out at least 4 days a week and have a clean bill of health from my doctors. The underlying tone of these statements is “please be skinny.”

I don’t knock anyone for their preference but for those who don’t leave any hints into what body type they’re into, I thought I’d dive in and ask. Here are some of the results:

Okcupid dating -- curvybellany

Coded for “looking for someone thinner” because nowhere in my profile does it mention I’m not outdoorsy or active. Although he was right on the outdoors part. If we were made to be apart of nature we wouldn’t have invented buildings!

Okcupid dating curvybellanyc

Code: I’m here to fuck…more than likely. I say this since my profile suggests I’m looking for a serious relationship.

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I never knew how conceited I was until I read this. It’s one thing if my weight is keeping you from talking to me but if not then what’s the problem — I’m cute as all fuck!

Okcupid dating curvybellanyc

Straight no chaser. Might as well have said

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And for that I thank you. We need more honest mommafuckers out there boo. I salute you!

Being Guarded

Curvybellanyc - faith

Something I need to take to heart. I trust too easily and leave myself open to be broken too quickly.

Your thoughts shape your life and allowing too much negativity to infiltrate your head space can effect your quality of life. I’ll try my best not to forget this.